My Dearest John, December 14, 1978

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partidge in a pear tree. What a

thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

December 15, 1978

Dearest John,\par

Two turtle doves. What a really unusual surprise. Now I have thee birds. You are so

thoughtful and I must truly say I have never received such a gift.

With deepest love,\par

Agnes\par

December 16, 1978\par

Dear John,

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such

generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've

been so kind.

Love,

Agnes

December 17, 1978

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they are beautiful

but don't you think enough is enough. You're too romantic.

Affectionately,

December 18. 1978\par

Dearest John,

What a surprise. Today the psstman delivered five golden rings. One for every

finger. You're just impossible, but I sove it. Frankly all those birds squawking

are beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

December 19, 1978

Dear John,

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a laying on my front door steps.

So you're back to the birds again, huh. Those geese are huge. Where will I keep

them. The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please

stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

December 20, 1978

John,

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of a

goddamn joke is this? There's birl shit all over the house and they never stop

with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so

stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

December 21, 1978

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids of

milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids of milking, but

they have had to brin their goddamn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and

I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. Smart ass....

Agnes

December 22, 1978

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of saddist. Now there are nine pipers playing and

christ do they play. Thet've never stopped chasing those maids since yesterday

morning. The cows are hetting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching

birds. What am I going to do. The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes

December 23, 1978

You Rotten Prick,

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They

have been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've

got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings

has subpeond me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm

getting the police after you.

One who means it,

Agnes

December 24, 1978

Listen Fuckhead,

What's with eleven lords leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads

will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing

sodomy on the cows. All twenty of the birds are dead. They have been trampled

to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

December 25, 1978

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers, fiddling, which you

have seen fit to inflict on our client Miss Agnes McHulstein. The destruction,

of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you

should attempt to reach Miss McHulstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium the attendants

have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached

a warrant for your arrest.

Badger, Bonder & Cahole\par

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR